written on Thursday, Jul. 10, 2003 at 9:45 p.m.
May I just please say, this entire entry is going to sound like a whine from junior high. No, my journal has not been hi-jacked by a 13 year old. {And if it NORMALLY sounds like I'm 13, this is not a good time to tell me.}
I keep writing and erasing this part of the entry. I don't know how far back I want to start. So, brief recap of the high points:
Last few weeks, been feeling like crap. Slowly feeling more and more like crap. Half physically, half mentally. Have identified several possible causes for this, chemical imbalances not withstanding.
So now, we're up to date.
This morning, as I was driving home from taking Boy to work, I realized I was only driving 35 mph. The speed limit on that street is 40, and I usually do at least 45. I chalked it up to being tired and thinking about other things, but for whatever reason, still didn't speed up.
After getting home, I decided it was definitely time for some sleep. Out of the blue, I was suddenly convinced that someone had broken into the apartment. I was paralyzed in fear. I reasoned with myself that I had already been in every room after coming home, and I distinctly remembered chaining the door. It was definitely a panic attack.
That was when I knew that my shit was falling apart again. It has been a year and a half since I've been like this. But it's the same stuff. Fear of driving fast and fear of someone breaking in.
It's been weighing on my mind all day. I keep thinking I have to find a way to shake this or a way to get help. I feel like I'm on the verge of losing my job because of it. {No, I don't feel like going into that right now. Maybe later.} And just basically, I'm sinking quickly.
Something to understand is that the root of these problems is neither burglary nor fiery crashes. Those are just the manifestation of other things.
So now, tonight, because clearly I wasn't distressed enough, shit got uglier.
Punky went to Baby Momma's house today to talk to her. Last night, Punky said "I have no desire to get things back to the way they were. I just want us to be civil to one another when we hang out with mutual friends." I knew that wasn't true.
Unfortunately, I was right.
I don't say unfortunately because I wanted to steal Punky all for myself. See, we had planned to go to the movies tonight. There was to be 6 of us. Then Punky called and talked to ID Girl and said "BM wants 'all of us' to go to the movies tonight." We heard ID Girl say "But not Cat and Boy, right?" Apparently what was decided was that they were bringing us along and they could seat us and BM "at opposite ends".
When Punky got here, she was telling us all about what happened. By that point I knew I couldn't paint on a happy face and pretend to be excited for her that things were good between her and BM now, so I had decided that mentioning my {ever increasing} nausea was my best bet. At one point, Punky said BM told her she couldn't come here anymore and that all this started when they started hanging out with us.
This is just like goddamn high school all over again. Here I am, playing sick and staying home because I know I'm not wanted. Once again, it's because I am being blamed for being the root of a problem I had nothing to do with. Just my mere presence, my acquaintanceship, causes friendships to magically crumble into dust, only to be rebuilt with my face carved in as the devil.
I insisted that Boy go ahead and go. I didn't want to ruin his fun and I mostly wanted to be alone. {And frankly, I HOPE his presence causes BM some grief.} I need some time to think. Try and figure shit out and decide where to go from here.
Part of me wants to just drop the whole thing. Stop asking them over, stop calling... just STOP. That won't be easy, though. I work with 2 of them, one of them gives Boy a ride home from work most days, and frankly he doesn't believe in giving up as easily as I do.
I know it all sounds silly and melodramatic, but the fact is, from this point our friendship with the group is not going to be the same. Now, we hang out with them pretty much every day and night. From now on, Punky will have to be with BM and we can't be. And I'm really not sure how, or if it's even possible, to go from hanging out every day for the first 3 months we've known them to seeing them once or twice a week. I'm not sure it isn't going to HAVE to be all or nothing.
Most of all, I don't want to seem as if I'm being BM. Maybe in some ways I am, but at the pure root of my intentions, I'm not. I don't want to toss around threats of not being friends anymore and I don't want to sit silently to get some attention. I want to make my decision and let that be that. If I want to try and make the friendship work, I want to just drop the whole issue -- and if I don't, I want to drop the friendship. I want it to be simple, fast and decisive.
The problem is, it's hard to make a decisive action if you can't make a decision.
Maybe if there weren't already so much shit going on and I weren't in such a shitty state of mind to begin with, this would be easier. I could think more clearly. I want to talk to someone, and yet none of my options really seem like exactly who I want to talk to about it. Everyone has their own opinons or their own agendas.
Good God. I've rambled enough, and there's no end in sight if I don't just stop.
I think I'll go clean or something. Out damned spot.
Love,
