written on Tuesday, Jul. 15, 2003 at 9:18 p.m.
Aaaah. Day off. I luvs me some day off. Unfortunately I pissed most of it away, but don't I always?
I've realized something distressing. When asking myself, what should I have done so this day would not be wasted, the answer? Clean. Yep. I didn't clean. Therefore I have accomplished nothing worthwhile and I have wasted the day. When did that happen to me? When did I start to care?
Please don't misinterpret -- the house is not immaculate and I have not developed an OCD that demands I keep it that way. In fact, it's pretty crappy ass messy right now. Which is why I feel I should have cleaned. Because there is crappy ass messiness, and I don't like it. I'm halfway to clean freak. I am loathe of the messes, and yet too lazy to fix it. THAT, my friends, is a rough existance.
I'm just not sure what it says about me when I feel like I piddled away an entire day if I didn't clean. Did I relax? Yep. Did I call and talk to my best friend? Yep. Did I make up some much needed sleep? Yep. Did I clean? Nope. And that makes the day a waste? Gah. It's some sort of torture regiment, I'm sure of that much. This compelling need to keep the house clean and feel like shit if I didn't do it.
Okay, wow -- this sounds uber pathetic. After this entry I'm just going to CLEAN, for fucks sake.
* * *
I finally got to talk to Nikki today for a good bit of time. I'm still so ambivilent about this whole wedding business. When she talks about it, it's always about the wedding. Never about the fact she will soon be Anal Andy's wife. Or how thrilled she is to be marrying the love of her life. It's all W-E-D-D-I-N-G. Perhaps that's normal at this stage of the game. Nik's the first close person in my life to get married via big ass wedding. I mean, I was pretty obsessed with my wedding when I was planning on having a bigger one. I was even obsessed with the smaller one. And I don't honestly remember if I talked about my excitement to be MARRIED, or just about the wedding. Maybe I'm just looking for signs that she's not happy. That this isn't what she wants. Not that it would matter, I guess. It's not as though I can tell her "Hey! Ha! You don't want to marry him! Now this sham has been exposed!"
I just worry. I love her more than she will ever know. And I truly believe she is just settling. I know it isn't fair to make a snap judgement when I don't even really know the guy, but... I dunno, I just believe she could do better. Despite her backwoods livin', she is an intellectual at heart. Always has been. It's one of the things I love most about her. And she isn't getting any mental stimulation from AA, that's for sure. He doesn't have a taste for any of the things she does. Or did.
Why, oh why did I push her to go out with him? Why did I tell her how good it would be for her to date again? But how could I have known she'd move in after a month, be engaged after 2 and be married in just over a year? Gah.
I'm sure a lot of people thought I was making a mistake rearranging my life plans for Boy. And I'm sure a lot of them wouldn't even know the person I am anymore. From the outside, it probably looks like the same situation as Nik and AA. But I knew, I KNOW, that Boy didn't CHANGE me as much as he helped me see it was okay to be who I was. Yeah, my tastes have changed a lot -- but fact is, I ALWAYS enjoyed the idea of being a geek, I just was never accepted for it before.
Maybe I'm just being a big snob, and feel like my intelligent, educated husband helped me GROW as a person, while AA is just regressing Nik.
And maybe, just MAYBE, I'm babbling on and on about something no one but me gives a shit about.
Probably.
* * *
It seems like everything is okay with Punky and the gang. She hasn't even talked to Baby Momma since the night they went to the movies. I asked her about it last night and she said she meant it when she said she didn't want things to go back to the way they were, and they never would.
I need to learn to have more faith in people.
Love,
